10 Common Parenting Phrases That Are Banned In My House (and how to respond instead), Part 2
This blog covers:
Parenting phrases #6-10 that are banned in my house + why
Tips on how to respond instead
Full disclosure: it was downright GRUELLING for me to narrow down the long list of banned parenting phrases I had to just 5. Just like whitewashed jeans and hammer pants, some things need to go and never come back in our society! But, I finally settled on the remaining 5…
Here are the 5 phrases that made the cut:
#6-10 Parenting phrases that are BANNED in my house (and how to respond instead):
6. “Stop whining!”
Why this is banned: Nothing grates on a parent’s nerves quite like a whining child! It’s irritating and can wear on our already thin patience, making it all too easy to snap “Stop whining!” (Been there, done that, buh-lieve me!) Aaaand…here’s something important to know: whining is something we have a tough time ignoring because, well, that’s the point - we’re not supposed to ignore it because the sole purpose of it is to get our attention!
Children whine for 3 reasons:
1. They’re dysregulated
2. Lack of skill to navigate dysregulation
3. An underdeveloped brain
Simply put, whining is a symptom of dysregulation in a child and a call for connection to enlist our support in helping them regain a sense of calm.
How to respond instead: To say whining is a BIG trigger for many people is the understatement of the year! (And yes, I’m one of those people!) I also know triggers reveal what is unhealed from our childhood, which is why the first thing I encourage parents to do in response to whining is:
Self-reflect to better understand and heal your own unresolved emotional experiences as a child. Awareness of your triggers is key! Be sure to validate the trigger; it’s there for a reason and can be a source of information and aid in our healing process.
Use a mantra that reminds you that your child isn’t trying to annoy you to help you not take it so personally. This helps create more space between the trigger and your reaction to it. For example, when you child whines about not getting that toy at Target, you can repeat to yourself: “My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time,” or “My child is dysregulated, this is not about me” can be helpful.
Respond to the feeling underneath the whines. This could sound like: “You really want this toy and are feeling disappointed that you can’t have it.”
Validate the feelings: “It makes sense you feel that way; it’s disappointing when we can’t get something we want.” This models for your child how to (eventually, as their brain develops) communicate their feelings without whining. Modeling is key!
After the emotional energy has dissipated, debrief with your child about what happened earlier at Target. Come up with alternative ways your child can cope with their big feelings, and role play them together to practice. Remind your child that their feelings and thoughts are always welcome and you will work through tough times together.
Set realistic expectations around whining…for yourself. This means embracing the fact that whining is developmentally appropriate from the ages of 2-13. Whining = dysregulation, and it takes a LOOOONG time for a child to develop the maturity, skill, and practice to manage it effectively. (I mean, I see P L E N T Y of adults still struggling with this!) Best settle in for the long game!
7. “What’s the magic word?”
Why this is banned: Let’s be real for a moment: Would YOU like being asked this question every time you forgot to say “please”? No? I rest my case. I know the intention behind this prompt is solid: manners go a long way! BUT the impact of this tactic is counterproductive to what we actually want our kids to learn: which is to use manners out of sincerity, not blind obedience. Instead it makes kids feel annoyed, and it either increases resistance (which is a natural response to being controlled), or people-pleasing; neither of which we’re going for!
What to say instead: MODEL using your own manners WITH and AROUND your child as often as possible. That’s it - that’s all I got for this one! They will (eventually…hang in there!) learn to use manners and actually mean it when they do.
8. “Say, ‘You’re sorry!’”
Why this is banned: Forced apologies do not teach empathy. What they DO teach is:
People-pleasing
How to NOT take accountability
Basically how to get your parent off your back! (I threw this one in as an afterthought, but we all know it’s true!)
Oftentimes kids don’t know what, exactly, they’re apologizing for; they just don’t want their parent to be upset with them! Or they’re feeling embarrassed and just want the situation to be over ASAP, and mumbling a quick “sorry” means they are free to leave. But this doesn’t help them understand what it is that happened that warranted the apology in the first place. Therefore they cannot (learn to) take accountability for it or see the situation from another’s perspective. This negates the apology altogether. In addition, a true apology fosters a desire to make amends, and this isn’t possible when a child is being commanded to pay lip service.
How to respond instead: If it seems like I’m being a broken record with how often I encourage parents to model the behaviors they want to see in their child, you wouldn’t be wrong! Apologizing to your child is a MUST if you want them to apologize! Model what it looks and sounds like to apologize, take accountability for our actions, and check in on someone who is hurt.
9. “You’re not listening!”
Why this is banned: Anyone else here besides me see red when they’re told that they’re not listening? Kids do, as well. There are 2 big reasons for this:
1. Parents often equate listening with obeying; meaning when their child doesn’t do something we want them to do, we MISLABEL it as “not listening”. (This is such a COMMON MISTAKE in our society!) When a child learns that listening = obeying, they naturally resist even more because no one likes to feel controlled!
2. Oftentimes children are listening, but their agenda just differs from ours: they want to keep playing in the snow; we want them to stop playing in order to come inside for dinner. Oh, and the lack impulse control is a factor in all of this as well!
How to respond instead:
1. If your child is not following through with something you are wanting them to do, practice reframing “You’re not listening!” to “It seems like you’re having a hard time following through with __.” Most of the time it’s a following-through issue versus a listening issue.
2. If they are struggling with listening, make sure to create an environment that fosters listening. For example, get down to eye level with your child so that it’s easier for them to give you their attention. Lower the volume of the music. Give simple commands. Also - and this is probably one of the biggest takeaways - if there is something your child needs to follow through with, use a statement, not a question. For example, if it’s time to wash hands for dinner, say: “It’s time to wash your hands” instead of “Can you wash your hands?” I mean, they’re just being honest when they answer, “No” because what child wants to stop playing to wash their hands?!? You could follow-up the expectation with a choice, such as: “Do you want to wash your hands in the bathroom or at the kitchen sink?”
Remember: hearing is a sense; listening is a SKILL, which means it takes a loooong time for kids to learn and do it with any sort of consistency and efficiency! I dare say this is a lifelong practice for ALL of us!
10. “Don’t worry!”
Why this is banned: Many parents say this because they don’t want their child to worry. The problem is that telling someone to not worry is counterintuitive to this goal. Here are 5 reasons why:
1. It tells them to stop feeling what they’re feeling, which is impossible; you can’t just stop feeling your feelings on command.
2. It inadvertently teaches a child that worrying is a “bad” feeling; something they “shouldn’t” feel.
3. It also teaches a child that worrying is “too big” or intolerable to manage.
4. This leads to a fear of the feeling of worry/anxiety, but - being human - we can’t simply avoid this feeling the rest of our lives.
5. To handle this fear, children develop coping strategies designed to shut this feeling down through disconnecting from it, numbing it, distracting away from it, etc.
As a result, they never get to learn and practice more adaptive coping strategies, which means they will likely struggle to deal with this feeling for the rest of their life. THAT is something I KNOW parents don’t want for their child!
How to respond instead:
1. Calmly name their feeling of worry: “I sense that you’re feeling nervous about __.”
2. Validate it: “That makes sense, and it’s OK to feel nervous.”
3. Reassure that you’ll be there to help them through this feeling, NOT that things will “be OK/all work out” because, honestly, we don’t know what will happen in the future.
Now, from here you can do one of many things depending on the situation, your child, and - frankly - how much energy you have left in the tank! You could sit calmly with them or nearby, lending them your calm until the feeling passes. You could offer a hug/snuggles and see how they respond. You could have them release the anxious energy through movement. You could talk about things that they know are true.
For example, when my son was 4 he was really scared of fireworks - or the “boom show” as he dubbed it. Every night for several months he’d ask me or his dad at bedtime if there would be a “boom show” that night. Since I didn’t know for sure (people in my neighborhood go gaga for America’s birthday for days - sometimes weeks - afterward!), I was honest and told him: “Maybe, I don’t know.” (Answering with ‘no’ meant that I could be wrong, which could impact his trust in me; not worth testing!). I would sit with him and hold his hand since he needed this kind of connection during anxiety-filled moments. After a few moments of lending him my calm, I would tell him, “Here’s what I DO know” and list 3 things that I knew for sure. They were: “I know this house is strong and will keep you safe. I know that daddy and I will be close by and will keep you safe. I also know that you can always come and get us anytime and we will help you.” Over the course of several months, he asked about the “boom show” less and less, and when he did mention it, he would go over the 3 truths with us. Then, one day, he stopped asking about it altogether.
This part is sort of a trial-and-error process because what your child needs is not always the same from situation to situation, or from year to year. Try some on for size, check in regularly about what they need, observe how they respond and adjust accordingly. You got this!
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“Learning to cope with your emotions mostly consists of learning to not being afraid of them.”
Conclusion
I want to remind you that if you find yourself thinking: “OMG! I say some/all of these to my child!” know that you’re not damaging your child. Know that you’re not a bad parent. I mean, the very fact that you’re reading this blog is literal PROOF that you’re a good parent who cares deeply about your child and their wellbeing! It also tells me that you have a growth mindset and are willing to do the hard work to continually evolve as a human being, which further affirms your “good parent” status. Seriously. Read that last line - heck this entire last paragraph! - again. And again…and again.. You’re doing a good job. And if you’re reading this in your pre-kid life stage, kudos to you; your future child/ren will thank you (well, after they’ve reached adulthood)!
Have questions/concerns? I want to hear them! Just click the email link and send them my way. katie@connecttherapymn.com.
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need to heal from Childhood Emotional Neglect, and live the life they want.
*Want the support of a group of others who just “get it” and are motivated to learn and heal after growing up with CEN? The next 8-week CEN Support Group starts mid-June! Stay tuned for more details, and join the email list to get early access to secure your spot as spaces are limited!
