Emotional Needs: Communication Hack to Get What You Need
This blog covers:
Communication hack to effectively communicate your needs
FREE DOWNLOAD: Emotional Needs Journal Exercise
“You never listen to me!”
I’m pretty sure we’ve ALL said this at some point in our life - myself included!
Is it a way to communicate that your emotional need to “feel heard” is not being met?
Yup, it sure is!
Is it the most effective way?
Nope, it sure isn’t!
All it does is put people on the defense.
And if there’s another thing I know that’s true for ALL of us, it’s this:
People can’t meet your needs when they’re busy defending themselves.
While it’s important to know what we need, your job doesn’t stop there. The final step is learning to communicate your needs in a way that increases the chances of other people being willing to meet them.
Communication hack to get what you need
Here’s the single most important hack to communicate your emotional needs effectively every time:
Distill your emotional need down to concrete actions and words because these are the only things that can change in a relationship. In other words, changing actions and words in a relationship are the only things that can change how you feel in the relationship and about the other person.
For example, in order to feel heard, we don’t want to just say to our partner: “You’re not listening to me.”
This often leads to a defensive: “I am listening to you!” or “You’re not listening to me!”
Aaaand cue argument!
But if you’re not looking to start a fight, read on.
First, describe what your partner can DO or SAY that would help you FEEL heard.
Do you need your partner to:
Put down their phone?
Make eye contact?
Paraphrase what you just said?
Nod along as you’re talking?
Ask some follow-up questions, like: “What did you think about that/How did that make you feel?”
Say a specific phrase, like: “I’m following.”?
Figure out what “being heard” by your partner looks and sounds like to you, and write it down. Download the free Emotional Needs Journal Exercise to help with this process!
Second, make a request with these specific words/actions.
This could sound like: “I’m feeling unheard right now. What would help me feel more heard is if you put down your phone and make eye contact with me when I’m talking. Would you be willing to do that?”
Of course you can’t control how others will respond to this request. But implementing this simple communication hack can significantly increase their willingness to help meet your emotional needs more often.
“People don’t get married, make friends, or try to maintain ties with siblings to have those relationships fail. Yet many fail because people don’t pay enough attention to the emotional needs of others.”
Conclusion
Knowing your emotional needs starts with knowing what you’re feeling (check out this blog for a refresher on how to identify your feelings!). But that’s not the whole equation; we also need to know how to communicate our needs effectively in order to sufficiently get them met in our relationships!
The communication hack + free worksheet in this blog is a great way to start getting more of what you need in your relationships. Give it a try and let me know how it goes by emailing me at katie@connecttherapymn.com. I’d love to hear from you.
Download the FREE Emotional Needs Guide to help you both identify and communicate what you need!
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about providing the support, resources, and tools that people need to heal from Childhood Emotional Neglect, and live the life they want.
*Want the support of a group of others who just “get it” and are motivated to learn and heal after growing up with CEN? Then the 8-week CEN Support Group could be a great fit for you!
