13 Conversation Stoppers Used By Emotionally Neglectful Parents (+ 4 Steps To Handle Them)
This blog covers:
13 Conversation stoppers used by emotionally neglectful parents
9 Reasons why these responses are so common
Why it’s important to know the reasons behind these responses
4 steps to use these conversation stoppers to improve your relationship with your parents even if they never change
*Cindy started her virtual therapy session one day with a dejected look on her face. “Every time I try to talk to my mom about my childhood, my mom just gets really defensive and keeps saying “I guess I’m just the worst mom ever!”. I don’t want her to feel bad, but I also don’t like how she treats me and I want it to change! I just feel stuck and don’t know what to do anymore.”
The response Cindy’s mom gave her - along with the 12 other responses listed below - is unfortunately all too common when adult children who have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) try to confront their parents about their childhood.
These responses are all conversation stoppers that shut down effective communication and can make any chance at change seem hopeless.
AND there is still a way through this (and no, it doesn't require selling off your left kidney or suffering in silence!) - even if your parents NEVER CHANGE!
But first, here is the full list of common responses:
13 Conversation stoppers used by emotionally neglectful parents when they’re confronted by their adult child:
“I guess I’m just the worst mom/dad ever!
“After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me? You’re so ungrateful!”
“I did the best I could!
”It’s in the past. I can’t change it, so let’s just move on!”
“You have no idea how hard it was for me when you were growing up!”
“You think your childhood was hard? I had it way worse!”
”How dare you talk to me like this!!”
“It wasn’t that bad! You’re just making a big deal out of nothing.”
“At least I didn’t…!”
“You were so hard to deal with as a child! You’ll get it when you become a parent yourself!”
“Well, I’m not perfect; no parent is!”
“Where is this coming from? Is it your new partner/therapist who’s giving you these ideas?”
No response. They may just walk away, or change the subject. But keep in mind: no response is still a response.
Any others you’d add?
As utterly painful as these responses are to receive, they are - unfortunately - to be expected from some parents. Read on for 9 reasons why:
9 reasons why these responses are so common:
1. Emotionally neglectful parents struggle with feelings of low self-worth.
Plus they often measure their worth based on how others interact with them. So any mention of how their parenting may have been hurtful can trigger intense feelings of unworthiness and shame, and activate thoughts that they aren’t good people.
2. Emotionally neglectful parents minimize and blame others to cope with painful feelings.
Taking accountability can feel like admitting their unworthiness, which is unbearable to experience, so it’s common for them to blame others for their shortcomings, or minimize their own mistakes in order to cope with the pain of feeling not good enough.
3. Emotionally neglectful parents apply a quid-pro-quo mindset to their relationships.
This mindset applies to their relationship with their child. In other words, they believe that their child owes them for all the work they did as parents. If an adult child tries to provide feedback or share about a painful childhood experience, the parent automatically perceives their child as being ungrateful and unappreciative.
4. Emotionally neglectful parents only see physical needs as important.
Therefore, they tend to believe that taking care of their child’s physical needs - like food, housing, and clothes - is all that’s needed to be a good parent. So parents who worked hard to provide for their child’s physical needs may feel incredibly unappreciated when their adult child mentions that they did not get their emotional needs met. This belief is largely due to society historically not recognizing the importance of emotions and emotional needs. Only in the last few decades has emotional needs been recognized as equally important as physical needs.
5. Emotionally neglectful parents struggle with perspective-taking and empathy.
The greater the difference in perspectives between them and their adult child, the more difficult it is for them to even hear it, let alone accept it as valid/true. They tend to think very rigidly and believe there’s only one right way to see a situation. So if they think your childhood was a good one, there’s no room for dissenting opinions. If you do have a differing perspective, it can be seen as a betrayal to the parent.
6. Emotionally neglectful parents are ruled by their emotions.
This means that when they are emotionally activated, their emotions completely take over, and override their ability to listen and use logic. In addition, their ability to think about potential consequences of their actions or understand how this may impact others is also impaired. The ironic thing is that many parents are unaware of just how much their emotions control them.
7. Emotionally neglectful parents lack a sense of self-identity.
Instead, many parents only see themselves in relation to others, or more specifically, in relation to the roles that others play. For example, in the example with my former client, Cindy, she had a mom who was used to engaging with her as if she were still a young child who had little control and independence, and needed her mother’s input on everything. So when Cindy behaved in a way that wasn’t consistent with this ‘powerless young child role’, her mom would respond in a way that tried to reassert their roles. Another thing to note is that a child’s growing independence can be a big source of anxiety and loneliness in a parent who seeks identity primarily through their child.
8. Emotionally neglectful parents lack emotion regulation skills.
Instead, they are overly dependent on others to help them feel better. Therefore it’s common for them to say something that completely shifts the focus of the conversation away from their adult child to themselves (eg. “I guess I’m just the worst mom ever!”) in order to elicit emotional support from their adult child, instead of keeping the attention on the adult child’s painful experiences.
9. Emotionally neglectful parents fear real emotional connection
Emotional connection requires vulnerability, which requires being in touch with feelings. The world of feelings can be unpredictable and bewildering for parents who rely on blind adherence to set rules and roles to maintain emotional equilibrium. Oftentimes shutting down or physically removing themselves from the conversation is the only way they can regain a sense of emotional stability.
Why it’s important to know the reasons behind these common responses
Each of these 9 reasons reflects a typical characteristic (or limitation) of emotionally neglectful parents.
When you start to identify the characteristics motivating your parents’ seemingly unhelpful and unpredictable behaviors, you can:
Adjust your expectations of them based on what’s realistic versus what’s just wishful thinking on your part
Remain emotionally grounded rather than be swept up in the emotional tide they create
Respond versus react
Retain a strong sense of yourself so that you don’t get pulled back into the old role that you once played in your family
Recognize patterns of behaviors that are typical for emotionally neglectful parents, and prepare ahead of time for them
Ultimately be less emotionally impacted (aka less hurt and disappointed!) by their hurtful actions
Seeing your parents’ limitations and being able to put them into words is critical to start understanding what you’re dealing with and distancing yourself from the direct impact of their emotional unavailability.
Just like putting words to our emotions helps us know what we’re dealing with and create some space to better respond to them, the same holds true when it comes to dealing with our parents’ behaviors and limitations.
4 steps to use these conversation stoppers to improve your relationship with your parents even if they never change
Make a list of conversation stoppers that your own parents often use whenever you try to bring up a painful experience, and write them down on a piece of paper.
Next, try to match each of your parents’ responses to one of the 9 reasons listed that may be motivating the response. This helps your brain connect a common characteristic or limitation to your parents’ responses. For example, let’s say your parents often say: “I guess I was just the worst parent ever!” This response is likely reflecting characteristics #1 and #8.
Third, write one sentence that incorporates all the reasons/characteristics you’ve identified that describe your parent/s. For example, “My mom is someone who struggles with low self-worth, taking accountability, seeing others’ perspectives, regulating her own emotions, and understanding the importance of emotions.”
Refer back to this description often to help you start shifting your perceptions - and your expectations - away from the idolized parent in your head to the actual parent that’s in front of you.
The goal here is to start noticing when these characteristics come out so that you can respond to them more effectively.
Conclusion
Changing your relationship with your parents is a PROCESS, but applying these 4 steps in your life is a highly effective strategy that you can start today! Know that you’re not alone in this, either. I’m here for you, so reach out if you want additional support and guidance in this process!
If you try these 4 steps, let me know what you think by commenting below or emailing me at katie@connecttherapymn.com. I’d love to hear from you!
“Asking for help isn’t giving up. It’s refusing to give up.”
Hi! I’m so glad you’re here!
I’m Katie Egge, a Minnesota-based therapist and coach who’s passionate about helping people all over the world heal from and prevent Childhood Emotional Neglect, and learn the tools to confidently navigate difficult relationships post CEN.
